Good Christmas

Christmas is all aglow on 102nd St.

Uh oh, we have some bad Christmas happening right here...
I'll get right on it.

That Sounded Bad

Sometimes I re-read a post and realize something I said came out entirely not how I meant it to sound. For the record, I don't believe suicide is something that should be embraced and accepted by society. But in the very unfortunate and tragic event that this does happen, I believe at that point the only feeling expressed by loved ones should be that of sympathy....not anger, shame or even embarrassment. But that's just me. I know how someone in that position feels and no one who hasn't experienced suicidal depression can truly understand the depths its despair. And that's enough about that subject...

Darkness Visible

I know it sounds weird...'hey you should totally read this book about suicidal depression!' But yes...if at all interested, you should. This book showed up at my door at 7am one day for no particular reason. I was finished with it the next day. It's only 84 pages so not an overwhelming time commitment either. This is the best non-fiction account of clinical depression I've ever read...and I've read a lot about the subject. Please note, it's not a self help book, just a personal account.

Depression has been my part time job for about as long as I can remember. So much so that I have no problem at all discussing or even making jokes about it. Anyone who knows me, already knows this. And yet I haven't heard such an honest, compassionate or truthful account of what depression (especially suicidal depression) is actually like for the sufferer, until now.

Seeing as how my post about Pyrrole disorder has received more clicks than any other post I've written combined, I think there is definitely an interest out there and many are searching for more information. I'd like to quote just a few passages from the book that I thought were compelling and 'dead on.'

First he attempts to dispel the taboo of suicide and how it appears to those who cannot fathom why anyone would do this. He also suggests that only sympathy should be given to those who have not 'survived'...no less sympathy that to the victims of cancer for example.

'The argument I put forth is fairly straight-forward: the pain of severe depression is quite unimaginable to those who have not suffered it, and it kills in many instances because its anguish can no longer be borne. The prevention of many suicides will continue to be hindered until there is a general awareness of the nature of this pain. Through the healing process of time - and through medical intervention of hospitalization in many cases - most people survive depression, which may be its only blessing; but to the tragic legion who are compelled to destroy themselves there should be no more reproof attached than to the victims of terminal cancer'

Another excellent passage relating to the indignity of depression as compared to other (physical) illnesses - those that can be measured by blood tests - with tangible diagnosis, medications and generally predictable results....

'For in virtually any other serious sickness, a patient who felt similar devastation would be lying flat in bed, possibly sedated and hooked up to the tubes and wires of life-support systems, but at the very least in a posture of repose and in an isolated setting. His invalidism would be necessary, unquestioned and honorably attained. However, the sufferer from depression has no such option and therefore finds himself, like a walking casualty of war, thrust into the most intolerable social and family situations. There he must, despite the anguish devouring his brain, present a face approximating the one that is associated with ordinary events and companionship. He must try to utter small talk, and be responsive to questions, and knowingly nod and frown and, God help him, even smile. But it is a fierce trial attempting to speak a few simple words.'

Fortunately for us, this author made it through his depression to write this horrifically truthful and fascinating memoir, 'Darkness Visible.' I don't recommend reading for self help or if you happen to be in the middle of severe depressive episode. But for 'survivors' and those looking to understand, this is an excellent and unparalleled account, thanks to William Styron for having the courage and sharing his story.

Little Bear

If you look closely, you can see that someone has crashed out in my bed before the sun even went down. I'd be curious to know if any other parents notice their children sleeping more in the winter? This little man seems to be very in tune with his circadian rhythms. I notice this every year when we set the clocks back. While Justin's summer bed time is 9pm, I can hardly keep him up past 8 these days. I know 8pm is probably a normal bed time for a lot of 7-year-old's but I guess I never understood the early bed time. Are they waking up at 5am then? No thanks. If I put him down earlier then he's up before me watching cartoons, unrestricted. I'm thinking a short nap after school and 8:30 bed time is the ticket. I wish someone would give me a nap + early bed time.

Results

I feel like I was sorta robbed. I lost a solid 7 lbs but let's just say I'm retaining water right now so that messed me all up. I say that doesn't count. For the record I'm calling it 10 lbs. Tony lost 12 lbs (whatev!) I think I shrank my stomach too because today at lunch I was absolutely stuffed after a cup of cottage cheese, a few slices of turkey and a few handfuls of trail mix. Go figure...not that I want to start eating double cheeseburgers or anything. Will definitely repeat this diet after C-mas...

Christmas Past

Awe.... This outfit is fly. Wish I still fit into it.

Day Three